So about couple of months ago I entered a paid international black and white photography contest for the first time. The reason I entered it because this is one of the few photography contest that specialize in black and white photography. Of course the idea didn’t came in a spur of the moment, I already wanted to entered this kind of contest for a long time. So I did exactly that. I feel my photography good enough to enter a contest in that high caliber. I stole my mother credit card (I paid her back in the end) and entered the competition.
Couple of months later, about few days ago, I received an email said that they announced the winner. So I just click it and saw the winner gallery. At first, I didn’t saw you photo and I though I didn’t win. At least until the next hour because I was in denial. I checked the email back and it said that I have to login into my account on the website to find out if I win or not (which I didn’t read before). There I found out that I actually won. Then I checked back the winner gallery and my photo actually there around the corner so small. That’s why I didn’t realize I won at first.
There I won a honorable mention for architecture category. Usually when you achieve such a win, you should be proud. Especially when you won something in your first try. But I don’t. Actually the quite opposite, I’m disappointed. Even though this is my first time entering such photography contest and it is a quite of achievement. First thing that came to my mind is:
“honorable mention. So what?”
So why do I feel that way?
As a student of psychology, I learn to always identify my own affect and to understand them. Which I did.
So what I think happening is this. My purpose of entering doesn’t match with what exactly happened. The very definition of disappointed.
There only one reason I entered the photography contest:
“I want to win.”
I define “win” as to get the prize, which is money. And yet I failed to get it.
Another reason I disappointed probably because of how little I feel when I saw another photographer photos which I feel far more better than me. It make me feel inferior and little. Even though it took me a long time to get to my level of photography. I realize there are thousand thing that I should learn.
So there you have it. It sucks. But that’s life.