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I Got a Photography Achievement and I Don’t Care

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Do you ever win anything? Probably from entering a contest or competition. Usually, if you win, you’ll be happy or proud or anything of the sort. Make sense, doesn’t it? Of course, I feel the same way too. Or so I thought. At least until a couple of days ago. So here is why I got a photography achievement and I don’t care.

So about a couple of months ago, I entered a paid international black and white photography contest for the first time. The reason I entered it is that this is one of the few photography contests that specializes in black and white photography.

Of course, the idea didn’t come in the spur of the moment, I already wanted to enter this kind of contest for a long time. So I did exactly that. I feel my photography is good enough to enter a contest of that high caliber. I stole my mother’s credit card (I paid her back later) and entered the competition.

A couple of months later, about a few days ago, I received an email saying that they announced the winner. So I just click it and saw the winner gallery. At first, I didn’t see your photo and I thought I didn’t win. At least until the next hour because I was in denial.

I checked the email back and it said that I have to login into my account on the website to find out if I win or not (which I didn’t read before). There I found out that I actually won. Then I checked back the winner gallery and my photo actually there around the corner so small. That’s why I didn’t realize I won at first.

 

The one in the red circle is mine

There I won an honorable mention for the architecture category. Usually, when you achieve such a win, you should be proud. Especially when you won something on your first try. But I don’t. Actually the quite opposite, I’m disappointed. Even though this is my first time entering such a photography contest and it is quite of achievement. The first thing that came to my mind is:

“honorable mention. So what?”

So why do I feel that way?

As a student of psychology, I learn to always identify my own effect and to understand them. Which I did.

So what I think happening is this. My purpose of entering doesn’t match with what exactly happened. The very definition of disappointed.

There is only one reason I entered the photography contest:

“I want to win.”

I define “win” as to get the prize, which is money. And yet I failed to get it.

Another reason I was disappointed is probably because of how little I feel when I saw another photographer’s photos which I feel far better than me. It makes me feel inferior and little. Even though it took me a long time to get to my level of photography. I realize there are a thousand things that I should learn.

So there you have it. It sucks. But that’s life.

 

 

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